What is marriage crushing out of me? In my experience, it is either bitter wine or sweet wine, and the taste of the fruit remains the same regardless of who did the squeezing. In other words, I cannot blame anyone else for the quality of fruit I produce. If someone offends me, the way I react or respond produces a sample of the pre-existing condition of my soul (my mind, my will, and my emotions). For me, marriage continues to reveal my true motives, forcing me to openly choose between winning and losing. Choosing to lose is perhaps the hardest lesson of all, but that is exactly what Jesus did at Calvary.

Love isn’t love until it becomes a choice. Love isn’t love until it is tested and tried. Otherwise, love can easily be confused for a chemical reaction and an emotionally heightened experience. For example, if my wife and I enter a three-legged race as a couple, we must work together to win the prize. If one of us falls and then has a bad attitude about continuing, the temptation is to cut the rope and finish alone or with someone else. However, in either case, that would result in disqualification. Choosing to lose is being willing to fail with my spouse. In doing so, I give the Holy Spirit time and space to transform my character into His likeness.

The difference between expectation and expectancy is love. “Contempt is conceived with expectations; respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations, or thanksgivings” (1). Failure to distinguish between the two is often the primary reason for relational breakdowns. Expectation demands a certain outcome, while expectancy believes the best in the one who delivers the outcome. What I am learning about myself is that sometimes, I operate with an orphaned heart to protect myself from my own false expectations. I fear abandonment when those in whom I put my trust threaten to quit. When I live expectantly, rather than with expectations, I put my trust and hope in Jesus, who will never let me down. Living expectantly allows me to love others unconditionally.

Happiness is found in holiness. Mainstream culture wants me to believe that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive, meaning that the two cannot exist simultaneously. However, John Wesley argued that “it is not possible for a man to be happy who is not also holy.” I admit, my motivation for marrying was mostly rooted in my idea of happiness rather than God’s idea for holiness. Since then, I have learned that marriage is “one of the most selfless states a Christian can enter” and  that “any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value” (1,2).

Only Jesus can reveal our true nature. Only Jesus can satisfy my heart’s craving for love and acceptance. The truth is, once my darkness is exposed, I have only four options from which to choose: to fight, to flight, to freeze, or to face it. The first three are rooted in fear, and that is enemy territory. So, my only option is to face it. The good news of the Gospel is that Jesus took all of my darkness upon Himself in a beautiful exchange for His light. Experiencing the all-consuming warmth of His light is what keeps me coming back for more (Psalm 34:8). 

Living for something is harder than dying for it. This is because living for something requires me to continually die to myself. I may be willing to die for my spouse, but am I willing to live for them? I may be willing to die for Christ, but am I willing to live for Him? If I only live for myself, I lack purpose, and “a man who lacks purpose, distracts himself with pleasure” (Viktor Frankl). I have a new level of understanding, sympathy, and empathy for anyone bound by addiction and substance abuse. When the Lord reveals to us the true condition of our souls, it is only natural to want to numb ourselves in an attempt to escape from the overwhelming darkness. However, Jesus is always waiting for us to respond to him in surrender, so that He may “give [us] beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That [we] may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified” (Isaiah 61:3) (3).

The weightiness of His glory will cost me everything. I’m learning that in order to have the weightiness of His glory rest upon me, and to do “greater things than these,” as Jesus promised, it will cost me everything. That’s why so few people operate in real authority and power. It requires a total crushing, which is extremely unpleasant, but reaps a harvest of joy.

God holds the final nail of surrender. (Luke 9:23-24, Galatians 5:24, Romans 8:13-14)
I have been thinking a lot about Galatians 2:20. “I have been crucified with Christ…” Figuratively speaking, when I take up my cross and drive the nails of surrender into my hand and feet, I’m always left with a free hand holding the hammer. This revelation suggests I cannot fulfil Christ’s commandment on my own. My flesh and my spirit are at war with one another (Galatians 5:17). Therefore, so long as my hand is free, my temptation will always be to pry the nails out and escape the suffering. Only God can choose the final nail with which to kill my flesh, and that requires my complete surrender. In my experience, the Lord most often uses my spouse as the final nail to test my level of surrender, which in turn determines my level of promotion (3).